It's time to stand out in the tennis crowd

An insider's guide to becoming the player nobody can forget...even if they wanted to

Have you ever really looked at the sea of players in your general area? For the most part, the vast majority look the same. Clothing, playing style – even personalities all sort of blend together. Now look at the pro-tour. Huge contrasts in style, appearance, temperament and language. Even if we don’t remember the players’ names, we find ourselves saying, “you know…the guy with the huge serve, or the girl who shrieks after every shot or the guy who wears those ridiculous colors.” That’s what makes tournaments fun to watch. After all, there’s only so many forehands one can watch without turning your eyes towards the crowd for some “real” entertainment.

Why not thrust that element into the amateur scene? Saturday league is boring enough to play – let alone watch. Players should enhance their individuality and “be known” for a certain something to ultimately build a reputation. Since I opened this can of worms, it is my pleasure to throw out a few suggestions on how you can stand out in a crowd as an amateur player.

Some obvious choices:

Clothing – Gentlemen, forget your everyday t-shirt and shorts. Ladies, that tennis dress won’t cut it either. If fashion is what you want to be known for, start thinking outside the box. We will start somewhat conservative. To be labeled both a legend and a classic, try sporting active wear from the early days of tennis. That’s right, a suit (minus the jacket) for men, and a full length dress for the ladies (or perhaps men as well – the Scottish are well respected). Not getting enough eyes on you? No problem. Transition into a 70’s style outfit. No, not 70’s tennis clothes. I am talking full-on disco wear. Platform shoes, polyester bell-bottom pants and fake chest hair (women too). An afro wig can only help you in this case. That will make a mark on the playing community. What’s that? Still not working. It’s time to go all the way. 2 words. French Mime. That’s right, I went there. Mimes make us laugh, cry and feel uncomfortable – all at the same time. You can’t stop looking at mimes. They disrupt any situation without uttering a word. The best part? Most people want to punch mimes just for existing. Since nothing says "I stand out in a crowd" like a violent reaction. Now tell me...after all that, who could ever forget you?

Playing style – During match play, for most of you winning is everything. That’s totally fine. Nobody said you can't win in a memorable fashion, right? While putting on your virtuoso performance, why not “personalize” some of your shots. Like to lob? Ok. Try to become the guy who hits the highest lobs. I’m talking rain makers. While it's still on the way up, run off the courts and grab a quick drink and towel off. Not only do they get the crowd’s attention, they also are very tough to return from deep in the court. Have huge ground strokes? Why not become the head hunter who fires rockets at all who dare approach the net. As a huge UFC enthusiast, I can assure you that the crowd loves when people get hit. Have a mediocre serve? There’s lots to do in this department. Maybe perform a violent and bizarre body motion just before delivery. One that almost looks painful to perform. That will get them talking. Still not doing it for you. Time to deliver an all-out assault on the senses. Step 1: choose two non-related words (like "hungry" and "spleen") Step two: clearly and forcefully, shout the two words out just before hitting a specific shot. Step 3: Become a legend.

I assure you that you will be topic of several heated debates immediately.

Behavior/Attitude – This is the area where hero’s are made. McEnroe, Safin, Connors. All masters of questionable behavior, but as an amateur, you have the green light to go way beyond. First of all, you can convey who you are simply by adjusting how you arrive to the courts. Most arrive, quietly introduce themselves and shake hands before the match begins. Forget that. It’s time to announce your arrival. For those with a big budget, you may want to get a custom theme song recorded to play while you are walking on to the court. Have an entourage featuring a midget and/or heavily tattooed assistant escort you in playing your theme and setting the mood. For those in a tighter financial situation, a self-powered kazoo will work nearly as well. If possible, try to bring a couple of friends to join in as a trio. Very memorable. When the time comes for introductions, have a friend or assistant (preferably with an accent and/or dressed in British colonial clothing) formally announce you. Have them site wildly exaggerated accomplishments you achieved. This will prime the pump for what is to come during the match. Since playing style was discussed in the previous section, you can conclude your day of playing by hosting a mock, post-match interview (to an imaginary press room) where you answer questions about the events of the day – taking verbal shots at your opponent every now and then. Finally, approach the confused crowd with a Sharpie as if to sign autographs.

Some of you are probably thinking, “LV002, tell me something I didn’t already know.” For that I apologize. I am simply sharing these guarded secrets for the uninformed masses looking to find themselves. If this article can help just one aspiring tennis great step into the limelight, our sport is that much better.

Comments

[Owen]

How wonderful!